Dear Susan,
My 26-month-old son is potty training. Recently he has also started ‘touching’ and ‘pulling’ at himself. He started doing it a lot at home, but last week he really embarrassed us by doing it in front of his grandparents! My boyfriend and I are arguing about how to handle this. I don’t want him to feel ashamed of his body, but his father thinks that it is totally out of line. What is the best way to stop this behaviour?
Rhonda, London
Dear Rhonda,
This is a great question, and you and your boyfriend can stop arguing, because you both have valid points. Almost as soon as babies leave babyhood, they begin to explore their bodies. They poke their fingers in their noses and discover their bellybuttons. Your son’s genitals are extra interesting, because they have likely become more accessible as a result of toilet training and touching them feels good!
Although the idea of your son stimulating himself may make you and your partner feel uncomfortable, you can relax. Toddler ‘touching’ is healthy and is not sexual in the way it is with adults. (He has no idea what sex is) It feels good, but is not accompanied by sexual thoughts or associations. He is touching his genitals in the same way he might play with his ear lobe….it is there, he is relaxed, it feels soothing and may release some tension.
However, even though it is normal behaviour, it is understandable that you and your boyfriend might feel embarrassed or distressed when he does this at inappropriate times.
First, examine your own reactions to his behaviour. Are you and your boyfriend reacting in a manner that may actually reinforce the behaviour? Is he getting a lot of attention when he touches himself? If so, he may actually do it for the ‘shock’ value.
The best way to handle genital touching is to minimize your reaction to the behaviour and to provide a distraction, such as a puzzle or some blocks. Choose items that will occupy his fingers and engage his mind and attention.
While a 26-month-old child does not truly have a concept of ‘privacy’, you may begin to approach the idea by acknowledging that what he is doing with his bottom or genitals may feel good, or look interesting but that it is that other people feel uncomfortable with. You might explain it by saying something like “Some things, like watching a movie, playing games and eating dinner, we do together, but other things like picking our nose or touching our penis, we do alone”.
Your son will learn modesty later on, but by not overreacting to his behaviour, calmly offering distraction and guidance, you are respecting his healthy curiosity and his right to explore his body while at the same time teaching him about appropriate social boundaries.