Dear Susan,
18 months ago my daughter ended her marriage, moved in with me, and began dating another man. As soon as her husband found out, he became obsessive, calling her over and over, emailing her friends, sending her letters and having his friends and family follow her. She contacted a lawyer who said that she was being ‘stalked’ and now has a restraining order in place and she has pressed charges.
Things have quieted down now, but I see a big change in her personality. What can I do to help her get over this?
Simone, London
Dear Simone,
Stalking is a repetitive pattern of uninvited, harassing or threatening acts committed by one person against another. As in your daughter’s case, these acts can include telephone and/or email harassment, being followed or surveilled, receiving unwanted gifts or letters, and other forms of intrusive behavior. Stalkers may also gather personal information about their victims from public sources, such as public records, company mailing lists, utility companies, or banks. They can also gather information about and from friends and family, or by posing as someone else to get the information they want, for example, as a police officer, or a private investigator.
Stalking can have a profound effect on the general well being of victims. They may suffer from psychological trauma and experience deterioration in social and work functioning as a result of the prolonged and unpredictable fear that can occur when being stalked. Consequently, what your daughter may be experiencing are feelings of rage, terror, suspicion, an inability to trust anyone, depression, changes in sleeping and/or eating patterns, exhaustion, nightmares, and/or frequent crying spells, etc. Feeling hyper vigilant, or always ‘on alert’ is a symptom that seems to have a tendency to last longer than others.
The best way you can help your daughter emotionally is by providing support. She has been psychologically violated and terrorized and may respond by withdrawing, and becoming suspicious and cautious in everyday situations. One of the great injustices in the crime of stalking, is that although the victim has done nothing wrong, they are often forced to change their lifestyles and routines, their phone numbers, addresses, their jobs, and even the people they associate with, to avoid harassment. Therefore, the support of family and friends is vital.
There are some factors that may slow her recovery, including the persistence of the stalker, whether she perceives ongoing threats, as well being in an ongoing relationship with the stalker.
Since you mention that you have noticed an enduring change in your daughter’s personality, it might be wise to encourage her to seek professional help. A good starting point could be through contact with Victim Services of Middlesex County. They offer services 24 hours a day and can provide programs to assist all victims of domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking. They can be reached at (519) 245-6660